1. Jacques Villeneuve

Son of Ferrari legend (and one of the greatest drivers never to win the title), Gilles Villeneuve, Jacques only took up karting at 15 after spending his youth on the ski-slopes. At the age of only 24 he won the last IndyCar World Series and Indy 500 before Tony George created the schism in American single-seaters. Frank Williams and Patrick Head then snapped him up and took him to F1 for 1996, with Jacques living up to his hype so much that he almost won his first race at the Australian GP, but a broken oil pipe meant he had to lift off to make the finish. Winning four races and finishing second in your first season isn’t too shabby, but Jacques went on to win the following year’s championship against the resurgent Schumacher and Ferrari. 1997 was the peak, but he reached the trough fairly quickly. He blamed his poor performances in 1998 on the engine, the car, and the tyres, so he moved on to the new BAR team for 1999. The team was to be built around him and they claimed they could win their first race… they failed to score a point all year long. He stayed at the team for four years, underwhelming the world as he went until he was dropped before the 2003 Japanese GP due to being consistently outscored by teammate Jenson Button (being dropped for Takuma Sato has to hurt). Without a seat for 2004 he sat out most of the season before taking Jarno Trulli’s vacant Renault seat for the final three races, but his failure to score – or even drive consistently – meant he missed out on the opportunity to drive a double title winning car the next year. He moved on to Sauber for 2005, staying on when BMW took over in 2006 before quitting when threatened with a shootout for his seat against Robert Kubica. Outside of F1 he sucked at NASCAR and released an album of crappy love songs. So long Jacques, stop trying to get back into F1, we don’t want you.

2. Mario Andretti

Andretti is a driver I’ve always had little respect for, he only ever won through a combination of having the best car and the misfortune of others, namely the Lotus 78 and 79, and the death of Ronnie Peterson. After winning the title in 1978, the following season he was nowhere, or to be more specific 12th in the world championship with only 14 points. 1980 was even worse for him, he managed one point at the final race of the season and was consistently outdriven by teammate Elio de Angelis all season long. Colin Chapman politely dropped him from Lotus and Mario spent his last full season in F1 at Alfa Romeo. He scored at the first race of the year – the US Grand Prix West at Long Beach – and then failed to score for the rest of the season, being bested by his teammate Bruno Giacomelli, a driver who was never particularly great. The fact he was able to win in CART after he left F1 just shows the yawning chasm of quality between F1 and US single-seaters.

3. Nigel Mansell

Always the bridesmaid and never the bride, a phrase apt for Mansell in the ’80s. He looked set to win the 1986 world championship by taking a comfortable third place position at the Australian GP, but a spectacular blowout meant that Alain Prost was handed his second title. In 1987, he crashed heavily in practice at the Japanese GP (the penultimate race of the season) missing both that race and the season finale in Adelaide, giving Nelson Piquet his third title before the race at Suzuka even began. After a few years without challenging for the title, he claimed he was going to retire at the end of the 1990 season after being Prost’s clear number two at Ferrari. Frank Williams threw him a lifeline with the FW14, which evolved into the all-conquering FW14B for 1992. Exorbitant wage demands and the fact that Prost had already signed for the team for 1993 meant that Williams refused to sign him for 1993, so to CART he went. He was enticed back for a few races in 1994 for Williams and he did manage to win the Australian GP, although that was only due to the infamous collision between Michael Schumacher and Damon Hill. However, that win meant he wanted to come back to F1 full time, so he signed for McLaren for the 1995 season. Problem was, our Nige was too fat to fit in the MP4/10, his hips couldn’t get past the monocoque sides, so he missed the first two races as the car was redesigned, when he did finally get into the car he realised it was a dog and he wasn’t going to beat teammate Mika Häkkinen, so he quit after two races, handing the car over to everyone’s favourite pundit; Mark Blundell.

4. Jody Scheckter

For 21 long years he was the last Ferrari world champion, but he was never really revered by the Tifosi, probably because his teammate whilst at the Scuderia was Gilles Villeneuve, and the other reason was what happened next. After winning his title in 1979, Ferrari gave him the 312T5 for 1980, the car was frankly a dog with the ground-effect aerodynamics incompatible with the three litre flat-12. But, Scheckter looked as if he no longer cared about the sport only managing to score once all season long and even failing to qualify for the Canadian GP. He quit the sport at the end of the season and never raced competitively again.

5. Kimi Räikkönen

After storming to the 2000 Formula Renault UK championship he controversially was allowed to race for Sauber in 2001. Despite the fact he scored half the number of points that teammate Nick Heidfeld did, he took the seat vacated by Häkkinen at McLaren usurping Heidfeld’s position as McLaren’s chosen son. He immediately showed how much natural speed and talent he had, finishing just two points behind Schumacher in the title chase in 2003. A series of fragile McLarens failed to allow Kimi to win a title, so he switched stables to Ferrari in 2007, winning his first race with the team, and with a late run of form beat the McLarens of both Fernando Alonso and Lewis Hamilton by just one point. However, as soon as he won the title he just seemed to lose drive, being outperformed by Felipe Massa for a season and a half before being told his services would no longer be required. His failure to drive as well as he did before his title was a massive disappointment to me personally, hence why he’s on the list.

1. Heinz-Harald Frentzen

After impressing in Group C sports cars at Sauber Mercedes (alongside a certain Michael Schumacher) he made his debut with Peter Sauber’s squad, he then ousted Damon Hill from Williams and performed… woefully. Only one win in the title winning FW19 just wasn’t good enough for Frank and Patrick, so he packed his bags and ended up at Jordan for 1999. Eddie brought out the best in him, a brace of wins and four other podiums made him an unlikely championship contender right up until his retirement from the lead of the European GP. He frankly embarrassed his teammate, 1996 World Champion (whose Williams seat he took in 1997) winning 54 points to Hill’s 7. 2000 was less stellar but he still picked up two podiums before he was acrimoniously fired on the eve of the 2001 German GP.

2. Rubens Barrichello

Rubens takes my second slot simply down to his tremendous loyalty and consistency. He raced for a full four seasons from 1993 to 1996, with the underpowered Hart V10 in the back of his 193 and 194 through to the ridiculously ugly bright gold Peugeot powered 196. He picked up the team’s first podium at the 1994 Pacific Grand Prix with third place at Aida, he also collected the team’s first second place finish at the 1995 Canadian Grand Prix leading teammate Eddie Irvine who finished third himself. During his time at the team he outscored every single one of his teammates, all eight of them.

3. Giancarlo Fisichella

After his 1996 debut with Minardi he moved to Jordan the following season scoring his first podium at the 1997 Canadian GP, picking up a second at the Belgian GP and unfortunately suffering a puncture when leading the German GP at Hockenheimring. Trouble when leading seems to be a bit of a Jordan trait. Anyway, his impressive season meant he got picked up by Benetton, which was a bit of a misstep as this coincided with a disastrous decline for the team, so after four seasons he ended up back at Jordan. He hustled the uncompetitive EJ12 to a bunch of points in 2002 and then at the 2003 Brazilian GP he acheived what would turn out to be Jordan’s final win in absolutely bizarre circumstances (seriously, if you don’t know what happened, look it up). His performances kept the struggling team going for just that little bit longer.

4. Damon Hill

I was never a Damon Hill fan, and his last season in F1 was a bit of a disaster, but for collecting Jordan’s first race win at the frankly amazing Belgian GP of 1998 he gets onto the list. Plus his helmet looked really cool when juxtaposed to the bright yellow of those Buzzin’ Hornets.

5. Tiago Monteiro

Now this one may seem a little strange, but when this Portuguese racer made his debut for the team in 2005 few would have guessed that he would set two records. He would go on to finish 18 of the 19 races that season, making him the man with the most finishes in one season, he also holds the record for consecutive finishes by a rookie driver by finishing his first 16 races beating the record previously held jointly by Jackie Stewart (in 1965) and Olivier Panis (in 1994) of six races. His only retirement would be at the Brazilian GP, and that was due to mechanical failure, no race crashes in a debut season is rather impressive in my book. He also picked up Jordan’s final podium by finishing third at the ever-so-slightly controversial United States GP that year.

1. Tron Legacy

Thankfully not featuring that guy, the sequel to the 1982 cult classic Tron is due for release in December. Jeff Bridges and Bruce Boxleitner will reprise their roles from the original and will be joined by Garrett Hedlund, Olivia Wilde, and John Hurt. The director of the original film, Steven Lisberger also returns as producer. The trailer was released to much fanfare at Comic Con 2009, and Disney have promised that the theatrical release will feature improved CGI and 3D. Definitely the film to look forward to this year.

2. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part I

Due for release on 19 November, this is the first half of the conclusion of the Harry Potter series. Obviously, as the book has been out since 2007, Harry Potter fans – such as myself – know how the story is going to go, with the trio beginning their quest to destroy Lord Voldemort. Thankfully, as the final book has been divided into two parts (Part II is set to be released in July 2011), the story should remain, for the most part, intact. This should be the first time I don’t complain about several dozen things being missed out.

3. Toy Story 3

I am praying to the God I don’t believe in that this is not a stinker, but it doesn’t really matter, I’ll go see this anyway when it’s released this summer. The story revolves around the toys heading for a new home after Andy abandons them after leaving for college. Hopefully this is not the worst Pixar film since Cars (incidentally, they’re making a Cars 2 to try and rectify their mistake).

4. The Green Hornet

Michel Gondry directs a film adaptation of the radio and TV superhero story. This is set to be released in late December, so it might be pushed back to 2011, but it’s worth the wait to see Christoph Waltz to play the villain Chudnofsky (thankfully the role is not being taken by Nicholas Cage, whom it was originally offered to).

5. The Expendables

Written, directed and starring Sylvester Stallone, this is a throwback to the blockbuster action films of the ’80s and ’90s, featuring stars of those yesteryear films; Dolph Lundgren, Jet Li, Bruce Willis, and of course Arnold Schwarzenegger. The film also features ‘Stone Cold’ Steve Austin, Jason Statham, Mickey Rourke and Randy Couture. This film is either going to be amazing or hilarious, and therefore it’s going to be well worth a watch when it comes out in August. I have the sneaking suspicion that a lot of people will die in this film.

1. Formula 1

If you hadn’t noticed by now, I talk about F1 a lot, so it’s not exactly surprising that this is my favourite sport. I’ve been literally obsessed with the pinnacle of motorsport since I was a young child, and this obsession continues unabated. As we’re in the off-season right now, I wait impatiently for car launches and testing. Man, machine, tactics, individual and team competition, I do love it.

2. Rugby Union

There’s nothing quite like watching 30 men put their bodies on the line (I’m channeling Tobias Fünke again). Anyway, it is the most polite yet violent sport in the world, nobody argues with the referee and then they turn round and hit one another with the force of a freight train. Who doesn’t love gladiatorial combat with thousands watching? Maybe the Romans got yet another thing right, albeit with less Christian versus lion action.

3. Ultimate

Also known as ultimate frisbee to the uninitiated, this is the only sport that has kept me interested as a player for longer than a few months – I played football, I gave up; I was a mountain biker, I gave up… twice; I was an archer, I gave up – and even though I am pretty much in a state of retirement now, I played for years, and I loved it. I got to play with a bunch of great guys and girls all over the UK, and in Italy, and I once got to represent Scotland at a tournament in Portugal. Only downside is the sheer amount of injuries that this non-contact sport induces, seriously, it’s a bit silly.

4. American Football

Based on rugby, and the one of the sports that ultimate is based on, it’s not exactly a wonder that I like this sport too. To the outsider it may look like a simple concept made complicated, whereas it is actually quite a cerebral sport. On a tactical level there is no other sport on the planet like it, and before anyone comments on all the padding, it is a requirement with the way that they tackle. Also, Super Bowl night is a great excuse for a party.

5. Cricket

It may sound perverse for a Scotsman to like cricket, but I have appreciation for what is, essentially, the most laid-back sport in the world. It is a perfect fit for me. International test cricket takes days to finish a match, and in that time you can sit, read the paper, listen to Aggers and Blowers, drink, eat a picnic, and I suppose watch some cricket too. I don’t like cricket, oh no, I love it, oh yes.

1. Watch films you have seen before

Now you may want to watch the frankly hilarious The Hangover (one of my top five films of the year), or maybe whatever is on TV, I have a tradition of watching the original Star Wars trilogy, but whatever you choose it had better be something you’ve seen before. Now the reason for this is your tender head, you don’t want any surprises, you don’t want to have to think, you need to know exactly what is coming. Also means you know you’ll enjoy it, so it’s a nice, safe experience.

2. Eat

Lots. I shall be making a roast dinner, it takes a while to make, so there’s no rush or any sudden movements, and the heavy food will make you feel better, guaranteed. Warning: don’t eat dairy, it’ll make you feel worse.

3. Irn Bru

Speak to any Scotsman the world over, and they shall tell you the magical qualities of this heavenly beverage. The carbon dioxide will settle your stomach, the sugar, caffeine and quinine will make your head feel better, and hydration is always a good thing. It’s a party in your mouth, but it’s all for you!

4. Hair of the dog

The traditional delaying tactic. Drinking more will just allow that alcohol to provide a pick me up. There is one proviso though, you can only drink certain things, primarily lager, or vodka mixed with something sugary. Wine or whisky are just going to lay you out again.

5. Do not leave the house

This is very important! The outside will be cold, noisy, and full of people. Inside is warm, safe, and quiet. If you are foolish enough to step out the door, remember, you’re still over the limit, so don’t drive and just shuffle slowly to wherever you’re going instead.

1. Band of Brothers

This 2001 mini-series marked the first HBO-BBC co-production, and was both the most expensive mini-series ever made and most expensive TV show per episode ever at $12 million for each of the ten parts. The expense did not go to waste, by focussing on just one group of soldiers (E “Easy” Company, 2nd Battalion, 506th Parachute Infantry Regiment, of the 101st Airborne Division) the show is stunningly accurate (trust me, I’m an historian). American reviewers have often slated it for apparently having no stand out characters, but that was really the point, you’re looking at a group of men as a whole, not the sum of its individuals. So, yeah, I like it a lot.

2. Arrested Development

Originally broadcast between 2003 and 2006, this is a truly unique sitcom. Character driven, and understandably so with so many strange characters, it tell the story of a once rich family, their fall from grace, and their ineptitude in their attempt to mount that greasy pole again (wow, it is easy to sound like Tobias). Utilising hand held cameras and a omniscient narrator to give it a documentary style, along with the complete absence of a laugh track (take notice American production companies!), it allows the show to have a different take on sitcoms, and made it the best sitcom on TV. Unfortunately, Fox didn’t really understand the show (they understand very few of their good shows) and cancelled it despite critical acclaim because of low viewer numbers, this was hardly surprising as they had put it up against Monday Night Football during the third series.

3. Peep Show

Like Arrested Development, this is one of the best character driven sitcoms ever written. The show filmed as if you were literally in the heads of Jeremy and Mark (the show’s protagonists, if you didn’t already know) seemed like an odd idea, but the way the storylines make the mundane seem like life or death situations is inspired. The show has garnered a cult following and huge critical acclaim, but has actually lacked high viewing figures, the highest being for episode one of the sixth series at 1.8 million. This programme only drops below Arrested Development due to an occasional lack of consistency, but it will return in 2010 for a seventh series. Fox actually commissioned a US pilot which didn’t use the point-of-view filming, it was frankly unsuccessful.

4. Planet Earth

A follow up to 2001′s The Blue Planet, this BBC-Discovery-NHK co-production is the most expensive documentary series ever made, and the first to utilise HD cameras. Split into eleven parts, each covering a separate habitat, the series took four years to make, and was only completed halfway through the original broadcast run. The show was visually stunning, and achieved a few TV firsts, including the first piranha feeding frenzy filmed in the water with the fish, and the first filmed evidence of cannibalism amongst chimpanzees. The only downside of this show is if you’re watching in the US, you get narration from Sigourney Weaver instead of David Attenborough.

5. The Wire

You didn’t think I would leave out this, did you? HBO struck gold again with a look at urban life from a different perspective in each of the five seasons. This in itself was fairly unique, but the show kept on breaking new ground with its content and style, it shows Baltimore as a failing city, not due to its prevalent crime, but due to systemic failure of its institutions. It blurs the distinction between good and evil, getting rid of the idea of two-dimensional cops and criminals, revealing what is driving them. Thankfully, because the show was on HBO rather than one of the major networks, the show could reach its conclusion without cancellation despite relatively low viewing figures, but worldwide critical acclaim.

1. Funeral – Arcade Fire

This was a frankly stunning debut from the Canadian ensemble, which flows from track to track as if it were one. The title references the deaths of relations of the band’s members in the run-up to its release in the autumn of 2004. This album provides a soundtrack that you simply can’t ignore, it’s easy to just find yourself immersed in it.

2. Infinity Land – Biffy Clyro

It’s my favourite album from my favourite band, of course it was going to make the list. The trio’s third album from 2004 was the band at their most experimental with multiple time and key changes, instrumental variation, and use of 5/4 time. The album feels quite extroverted as opposed to the melancholy of the following release of Puzzle in 2007, and so far I have never failed to love listening to it.

3. Kala – M.I.A.

2005′s Arular was brilliant, but the 2007 follow-up was exceptional. M.I.A. is famous for utilising multiple influences in her music, and the mix on this album is frankly amazing with collaborations ranging from Timbaland to The Wilcannia Mob. My favourite thing about her work is that you can tell how excited she is to be making music and sharing it. Oh, and she’s even better live than she is in the studio.

4. Kid A – Radiohead

Released in 2000, this album is seen by many to be a challenging listen, but I love it. After 1997′s OK Computer, Radiohead decided to try something new, so they put their guitars down (for the most part) and embraced a wide array of instruments as well as an electronic influence. No singles were released from the album, no video in the run-up to release, but a clever internet campaign and the leaking of the album online meant it went platinum in the first week of its release in the UK. Just like In Rainbows seven years later, Radiohead’s use of the internet was ahead of the curve. Easily the most influential album of the ast ten years.

5. Franz Ferdinand – Franz Ferdinand

Just like me this band claims to hail from Glasgow when they don’t really, but we’lll forgive them… and me. Mentioning this fair city, this album makes even more sense if you listen to it walking around here, trust me. Anyway, this 2004 debut was the most pop from any of the post-punk revival bands, and it’s fantastic, if you listen to the album in full and fail to smile once, there is something clearly wrong with you.

1. Moon

The feature directorial debut of Duncan Jones, aka Zowie Bowie. Visually stunning with the use of models over CGI (I have love for models), and using a spartan cast of ten actors, Jones creates a film with a nod to some sci-fi classics, such as, Solaris (original Soviet version), 2001, and Alien. Sam Rockwell is excellent (always is) as Sam, a man who has essentially lived alone on the moon for three years and whose mind is slowly turning in on itself.

2. Star Trek

I grew up watching the original series and The Next Generation on BBC2, so this was a film that I had mixed feelings about, this was either going to be amazing or disastrous. Luckily it was the former. Rather than reboot the series like Batman Begins, or continue a shitty series like Superman Returns (seriously Bryan Singer, you had the opportunity of a fresh start, but you made it as bad as the first four), JJ Abrams went for an alternate-timeline for Star Trek, and nailed it. Star of the show is Zachary Quinto as Spock… and Leonard Nimoy as Spock. Only two flaws with the film: Zoe Saldaña as Uhura, and the ever-so-slight abuse of lens-flaring.

3. The Hangover

A truly original comedy in the sense that it wasn’t concerned with stag night debauchery as it happened, but at the thing we all do when hungover, the attempt to piece together what the hell happened… but a little more extreme. Sure it wasn’t a cerebral comedy, but it was a lot of fun, and I still like it after several viewings. All good in my book.

4. Inglourious Basterds

I like Tarantino films, and he pushed the envelope with this one by making it simultaneously serious, ridiculous, hilarious, and at times just plain odd (there is a reference to Broken Lizard’s Beerfest in this film). The stand out performance in the film is from Christoph Waltz (he’ll be in Michel Gondry’s upcoming release, The Green Hornet, watch out for that) as SS-Standartenführer Hans Landa, aka The Jew Hunter, a man attempting to play the game to advantage himself, no matter the cost to anyone else. Daniel Brühl and Melanié Laurent are both excellent, as well is Brad Pitt’s Italian accent. Add to all this Mike Myers’ best performance for about a decade. Excellent film.

5. Up

Shockingly outgrossed by Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs, this is my favourite Pixar feature since Toy Story. The story of a lonely and bitter old widower trying to fulfil the dream of his dead wife, and of a young boy trying to make his father proud of him for once is sweet and expertly intermingled with the hilarity of a flying house, Kevin the female bird, Dug the dog, and SQUIRREL!

1. Josip Broz Tito

From car mechanic to President of the Socialist Federal Republic of Yugoslavia, it’s like a Cinderella story. He helped reestablish a state after its destruction by leading a partisan campaign, he then defied Stalin and lived to tell the tale, helped establish the non-aligned movement during the Cold War. In summation, he was a bit of a dude. Shame the country collapsed after he died.

2. Giuseppe Garibaldi

Now you might be thinking to yourself that Garibaldi was a revolutionary general and not a dictator, but he was both… sort of. During his Expedition of the Thousand, which brought an end to the Kingdom of the Two Sicilies and unified Italy, he entitled himself Dictator of Sicily. Because he had a major impact on world history, and didn’t commit atrocities, he goes high up the list. Also has a tasty biscuit named after him (invented by a Scotsman).

3. Gaius Julius Caesar

Played a pivotal role in the transformation of the Roman Republic into the Roman Empire. Like any good dictator had things named after him (a month, impressive); kicked off a civil war and won it (thus making him sole ruler of the Republic); then was literally stabbed in the back… and a lot of other places, assassination is the perfect way to end a dictatorship. Named his great-nephew his successor who went on to become the first Roman Emperor.

4. Iosif Vissarionovich Stalin

Yes, the so-called Man of Steel was an awful man, he caused millions to be killed at the hands of the State. However, he led the country that contributed the most in the defeat of Hitler and Nazi Germany, therefore he makes the list.

5. Zog of Albania

Born Ahmet Muhtar Bey Zogolli, he was President and Prime Minister – and had already established an effective dictatorship – when he decided to make himself King Zog I (and only) in 1928. Zog means bird in Albanian, which as dictator names go is as shit as Mao, which means cat. Zog is essentially one of the worst dictators ever, he essentially gave his country away to Mussolini’s Italy. The Albanian National Bank was headquartered in Rome, and when Italy invaded in 1939 the Albanian army put up little resistance, which is hardly shocking seeing as most of the officers were Italians.

A Bonus Number Six: Adenoid Hynkel

1. Eating a Stupid Amount of Food is Encouraged

Like most people, I find eating to be one of life’s little pleasures, and during this time of year you’re encouraged to eat much more than usual, and I’m fine with that. Roast dinners, cheese, snacks aplenty, overly indulgent desserts, roast dinner leftovers, love it!

2. Drinking to Excess is Socially Acceptable

Well, even more so than usual. As a Scotsman, I am expected to drink solidly for well over a week from before Christmas to after Hogmanay, and I do my duty with a smile on my face. So in summation; I like beer.

3. TV

Okay, so this year isn’t a stellar one for Christmas TV, however as a rule it’s usually better than the rest of the year. This year’s highlights include the tenth Doctor’s final episodes, Total Wipeout celebrity specials (I like “celebrities” embarrassing themselves), and Top Gear tackling Bolivia’s el Camino de la Muerte, and of course the additional glut of movies.

4. Presents

I like stuff, therefore I like getting stuff for free. Giving stuff is also kind of cool.

5. Laziness is Expected

Hardly anybody has to work, the education system shuts down, you’re expected to nap after dinner, and nobody gives you grief for sleeping until the afternoon. Tis the season to be lazy.